Waiting for a referral is a strange place. On one hand you want so much to see that child’s face. On the other hand a referral (almost always?) means that somewhere something unthinkable has happened. A child doesn’t gain a new family without losing one. The referral doesn’t make it happen of course, but the fact is it happened. So you have to ask yourself – if God could make your adoption go perfectly than why didn’t He just make it so you were never needed? Why should our pain as adoptive parents be eased when the pain of our children’s other parents wasn’t?
There is no answer of course, and there doesn’t need to be. For me though, it was important to hold this duel awareness in mind – the waiting is hard, but also: “The thing I keep telling myself throughout this waiting stage is I AM the lucky one. I get to (hopefully, eventually) have a child join our family. I get to (hopefully, eventually) become a mother. I don’t have to give up much in order for that to happen. My future child on the other hand will be losing or has already lost: his first parents, his first culture, and his first language. And his first Mama? Her losses break my heart.” I wrote that a year or so into our wait.
(picture taken Aug 2011, Fort Ebey state park)