adoption related seriousness, family age

home

All throughout the process of adoption I tried to be careful about calling our life here “home” for Thane.  Even on his birth announcement I put “together” instead of “home”. I’m not sure all the reasons for the hesitation.  Certainly I thought it, I believed it, I wanted it.  But I also knew it wasn’t. He wasn’t coming home, he was leaving home. Leaving home to come live in a strange place that yes, would eventually BE home. Sometimes I think I over think things.

But I also think that part of it was trying to hold on to the awareness that while we were bonded to him, he was in no way bonded to us. We laid in bed at night aching to hold him. He slept in his foster mother’s home not even knowing who I was. I wanted to honor that. I wanted to acknowledge that his life began long before he joined ours.

There are many reasons I’m glad I did that, kept that awareness. It made it easier when he didn’t want me, didn’t know me, didn’t love me. Why should he? But as the months have gone on I’ve watched that slowly change. He wants me now, he knows how to snuggles into the crook of my arm, I believe he loves me. It’s been an amazing thing to watch unfold. This becoming-a-family thing.

…..

My mother came back for her third visit since baby came home, and then N left for Argentina shortly she arrived.  Those two events are not connected in the way you might thing. Mama come because N was leaving and not the other way around.

N’s brother was getting married to a lovely lady who is from there and that is where they live and so thus the location.  N spent many of his growing up years there with his parents who are missionaries and still spend a good portion of their year down there.

It was four nights and I will be honest and say it scared the living tar out of me.  I was worried about attachment, crying fits, feeling abandoned, etc, etc.  I was also worried about the baby. *evil grin* But after clearing it with some people who specialize in attachment we decided he would go. Thane cannot leave the country right now so all of us going wasn’t an option.

It was a long four days but it went okay.

And then, exactly three months after meeting Thane in an airport, he and I went to another airport to pick up his Daddy.  We walked up behind N who was standing by the luggage carousel and when he turned around Thane absolutely fell into his arms.  No smile, just arms outstretched and a leap of faith. N caught him and hugged him and Thane just laid in his arms hugging him back for the longest time. Relief on his face.

And in that moment I realized that it had happened. I now think of him as home.

DSC_0745

::{{I lack the ability to blog both sequentially and in a timely matter, this post should have been posted on 4/23/2012}}::

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “home”

  1. I absolutely love this post. So proud of you and the way you look at as a whole person. Glad we get to be part of life with you all!

Comments are closed.