When Thane first came to join our family I started writing this little ditty that I sing to him during rocking to sleep times. It starts like this: “I loved you before I knew you, before I saw you, before I dreamed you. I loved you before I knew you, but not as much as I do now…”
I’m looking forward to singing it to our new baby someday. Maybe I’ll actually finish it too. So as I start to think of plans for K’s nursery I’m working on some artwork for his walls, just playing around trying to get some ideas. Here’s one of the ones I came up with today. We’ll see if it ends up working in his room.
Today I got K’s care package finished, I’ll mail it tomorrow. Toys, clothes, socks, a blanket his Gigi made and a little baby photo album with pictures of us and little notes telling him how much we love him. I’m told his foster mother will read it to him. Now I don’t flatter myself that it will mean anything to him. He’s a tiny baby who doesn’t know who we are and won’t for several more months. I’m okay with that. He has a foster mum who loves him and that’s enough for me for now. Of course I long for it to be me. But it’s not right now.
It’s a strange thing holding things your child will touch. I find myself not wanting to mail it off, wanting to hold on a little longer. Wanting that flutter of connection. My sister sent me an email a few nights ago that summed up our life right now perfectly, she said: ” Personally I think we live in a time warp…too fast with baby you have and too slow with the baby you have across the world.”
So I’ll send up our little gifts tomorrow and try to imagine him wearing one of the little outfits, or holding one of the toys, or laying on the blanket. And I’ll remember touching those same little tokens and maybe that will make the gap between us feel a little bit closer and make time go a little faster until we’re together.