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back to school (in which I prove my children are not always photogenic)

My facebook feed is filled with back to school photos. Photos of cute little kiddos that moms cry over, all dressed up and leaving for their first day of school. Then the pictures of the teens where moms are counting the days until they leave for good. (I kid, I kid. I think.)

My own two little guys are still a few years away from backpacks that don’t include diapers and wipes but I do have some outtakes from attempting to get passport pictures a few weeks ago. You’re welcome.

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I also have a link that I would love for you to click on. It’s to a group called  Mwangaza International, run by a Congolese man who is doing great things in his country. Specifically right now they are raising money for some awesome kiddos to go to school. It’s one of those basic rights that we are so lucky to have here where I live. Where the biggest struggle we might face is whether or not that whole Hannah Montana backpack is now…awkward. Or if we’re going to home-school or regular school or un-school or join that hippie commune and eat like happy little bunnies forever.

I still reserve the right to freak out about these choices in a few years but for now I’m eating popsicles on the deck and hoping a few of you have a few dollars to give towards making some school dreams come true for some kids out there, who probably won’t have first day pictures taken while holding a sign saying what they want to be when they grow up, but who really deserve a chance to be whatever they want to be.

Link to give: http://www.stayclassy.org/events/back-to-school/e26545

Link to my friend’s foundation (well she’s on the board) who first told me about this group, who knows the founder personally, and who is just awesome: http://m.linkedthroughlovefoundation.com/EDUCATIONAL-SPONSORSHIPS.html (You can give through that link as well.)

PS: I don’t beg for money for groups too often. Really.

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forever young: tal turns one

There is something remarkably adorable about a two year old walking around singing “forever young, I want to be forever young…”

There are moments I agree with that sentiment. I wish my babies could stay babies forever. I wish I could keep them from their first heart break, their first bully, their first finding out that everyone does not agree they are, as the biased mother told them: the sun and the moon and the stars and the sky.

But then again I would be keeping  them from their first love, their first close friendship, and from finding those special people in their lives who WILL agree they are those things.

So I guess I won’t keep them young forever after all. (Also, that  potion I bought was a total scam, I am writing a review on Amazon as we speak.)

In June and July the babies turned one and two. I’m relieved about this. I no longer have to mentally scramble to figure out how many months old my child is when someone asks. Which hopefully means I’ll no longer have people ask me slowly “they are your kids, right?” after I mumble my way through the  “eight months, no nine, wait, what day is it?” routine with this look on my face:

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Let’s talk about turning one: Tal was not overly impressed with his birthday cake. To be honest I wasn’t either. But everything looks better with the right camera lens I think. We had two birthday celebrations. A little one at home with just the four of us (and yes, I decorated, that’s what I do) and one with the family in Colorado.

Favorite gift: a singing card from me (humble brag) that sang, “You Make Me Want to Shout” because he does. He is also currently lying at my feet complaining as I type this so consider this a bottle break. For babies. Only babies.

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Favorite part about the cake: trying to pick all the sprinkles off. The cookie was also deemed mildly amusing. And then about one minute after we presented it to him he took the plate and tried to shove the whole thing off the highchair. That he was thwarted in this was not his favorite moment of the day.

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But eventually he got into it a little more.

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Though he still wasn’t impressed with the taste.

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Meanwhile his brother was doing this in the other highchair which I still haven’t painted. Neither have the elves even though I helpfully left the can of spray-paint on the counter overnight. Stupid elves.

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{{Yep, that’s the “cake” I made for him. Classy no?}}

The party in Colorado was everything I wanted. Family. So much family. We even got a family picture at the end of my immediate family, all 22 of us. Having everyone together doesn’t happen too often now that a certain sister went and moved to China but that day it did and it was divine. I love my family,and I love them for celebrating our newest little guy. I think we’re awfully lucky to have him (and his cake shunning ways) in our lives.

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{{This is the face of boxed cake horror ladies and gentlemen. This is the face that says “mommy should have spent more time on Pinterest because this doesn’t work for me.” Taken in Colorado by Auntie A.}}

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tal baby: some words

Our little Tal has been with us for five months. It still surprises me he’s here. As in makes my heart go pitter patter and swell with love and stuff. Five months of wonder and love and getting to know our squishy little man. A friend told me that his pictures seem to morph from little baby to old man then back, and I agree. He has one of those old and young faces and I never know when  I squeeze the button on my camera which one is going to pop up. I adore him.

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Each month as he’s gotten more and more comfortable and at home with us I watch his personality blossom and I love that. I’m so grateful for his foster mom and dad, so grateful. So glad for the home they provided for him during the adoption process. And I’m grateful that thisherewithus is becoming more and more home for him.

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{{This little smirk says I have my daddy right where I want him, wrapped around my baby fingers.}}

Getting to know a new little soul is one of the greatest gifts I think this world has to offer. Each child is such a unique being. Sometimes I think that’s why there is a universal draw to babies. We want to know what new wonder they are bringing to our universe.

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{{This kid brings some of the funniest smiles ever. From 4th of July on our back deck.}}

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A few months ago he was in a routine of getting up from his nap before Thane (back when they were napping at the same time) and I so loved that hour a day of snuggles on the couch and chatting with each other. Because he chats. As in pauses for you to talk and then answers back in babbles. It’s especially darling when he’s complaining about something because his insistence that what he wants is what he wants is a defining quality of him.

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{{The snot  lends a certain air of authenticity to the pictures doesn’t it?}}

And affectionate. Wow is he affectionate. He loves to give hugs. He stretches his arms as far as they can go in an attempt to get them around your shoulders, then he leans his little face into your neck and pats you. And you melt into a puddle. His favorite activity is walking back and forth between two people and getting hugs on both ends. Bonus points if the people are mommy and daddy.

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{{Daddy is home and everything is right in our world. We love to wait on the front deck for him.}}

He has this way of making you feel honored he noticed you. He scrunches up his little face after giving hugs or kisses and heaves a little sigh that says “oh yeah. lucky you. I just loved you.” And we are. Oh wow are we.

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{{Pictures from the last few months, IE I’m too lazy to go back and get specific dates.}}

adoption related seriousness, waiting

dear friends of waiting adoptive moms: some things to know (also, we’re sorry)

1. Your friend is not crazy. (She is adopting.)

There is, I will admit, a fine line between those two but still it’s good to remember. The international adoption of a child requires enough paperwork to kill a small forest. And more governmental red tape than you can believe. Imagine your longest, most frustrating trip to the DMV. Now quadruple that, add in twelve more governmental agencies in two countries, and remember it’s not a driver’s license you’re waiting for but the final piece of paper that says this family you’re creating can finally, finally be together. Yeah. Not crazy. But close.

2. She loves a child she’s never met.

It’s possible. So possible. It’s irrational and crazy but it’s reality. Does she love them like she will once she gets to know them? No. But she loves them. She wakes up loving them and goes to sleep loving them. She drives to the grocery story and aches to have them safe and snug in the carseat waiting for them. She pushes her cart around the store and hears a child cry and her heart pounds wondering if her child is crying? Alone? Hungry? She might even have to leave an entire grocery cart full of food in the yogurt aisle to go home and cry because it just is too hard. Way too hard.

3. It’s difficult having your heart on the other side of the world.

To people on the outside they don’t look like our kids, on paper they might not be our kids yet. But in our hearts we love these children like they are and yet we’re not together. We’re moms without children. It’s an ache that doesn’t go away. It starts before we see their faces and only ends when they’re in our arms. So we walk about with half our heart missing. It’s hard to breathe, to think, to speak. Something always feels missing. Because they are.

4. She is addicted to her email.

It’s okay. This is a temporary condition and most make a full recovery. It can be diagnosed by refusal to allow separation from her smart phone, or glassy-eyed concentration as she clicks “refresh” over and over and over on her computer. Other signs may include: waking up in the middle of the night to check because it’s X time over there, and muttering aloud “must get home, must check for update, must get home” while out in public.

5. Her child has been through trauma.

If she’s like a lot of moms she won’t be advertising that fact everywhere because she respects her child’s privacy. But children don’t come to the place of needing a second family because they were placed in a cabbage patch by unicorns and leprechauns. Adoption comes from loss. Loss she will see in her child’s eyes and in their heart. Loss that as a mama can make your soul curl up in a ball for an ugly cry. So don’t tell her the kids are lucky. You wouldn’t tell a person who lost an arm that they’re lucky to have a prosthetic one would you? I mean yeah, they are lucky to have that replacement. But you know what would be luckier? Not losing that arm in the first place. So please be understanding. Also, maybe instead of asking for her child’s story outright ask “are you sharing about his history before you?” That gives her a chance to either answer you or bow out graciously.

6. Adoption isn’t pregnancy.

It just isn’t. Well, it is in that at the end of it the hope is to have a new son or daughter in your arms. But I’ve yet to meet a pregnant woman who wonders how old her child will be upon entry into the family. Adoption is different. There is no due date for us. Let that sink in. No due date. And even given preemies and late arrivals with the baby by stork method you have a narrow months-long window of time in which the baby will arrive. That brings us to point number seven.

7. She probably doesn’t know when the child is coming home.

And she has probably been asked this approximately twelve times that day. Because you, her awesome friends, care about her! (And also you secretly worry she’s going a little nuts, see point #1.) And I get it. It’s hard with adoption because you don’t know what to ask. I feel that way with pregnant ladies, like what am I supposed to say? “Your ankles really don’t look that bad do they?” Recently I learned the always safe phrase “you look great – how is baby doing?”, the adoption equivalent is “I know you must miss your kiddos, how is the adoption going?” Or, if you don’t have time to have her break down and cry all over you try the even safer “can I see your latest update pictures?” and then ooh and aww over their cute faces. Even if the pictures are horrible say something positive. I mean I don’t tell people that their sonogram pictures sometimes look like aliens made of bread dough. (Except yours Amy B. Yours is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.)

8. She isn’t sure they’re coming home.

This is the part of the adoption process that makes you want to crawl under your bed and not come out until it’s safe again. This is the part that tears your soul in two. This is the part that you wake up in the morning remembering and going to bed at night fearing. Because there are no guarantees. And that’s hard. No, not hard. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s not just the fear that your child might die before having a family, it’s that this child you love with every ounce of your being might grow up in an orphanage, on the streets, or worse.

9. Your friend is kind of stupid.

I know. That’s harsh. But it’s true. You try operating on a daily basis with only half your heart and half your brain, because that’s what it’s like. ‘Cause the other half of you is wrapped up in a tiny person who is half a world and what feels like a lifetime away. Also, because of the time zone difference it means that half of you is awake pretty much all the time.

10. She doesn’t need to hear your HAS (horrible adoption stories.)

Yes, I know, everyone knows of someone’s uncle’s neighbor who adopted a child and then the child burned down the school with the power of her mind after her classmates dumped a bucket of pig blood on her. (Oh wait, that’s the storyline of “Carrie” isn’t it?) But sharing these stories are the equivalent of telling someone hopping in a plane for their first sky-diving session “I watched this video on youtube where a guy skydived. He died. And his body was all smashed and stuff.” Maybe it’s true but it’s also not overly helpful. Unless you’re the kind of person who also goes up to pregnant woman and says “I know of a lady who got pregnant one time, she gave birth to a kid who became a serial killer and sewed a suit of clothes out of his victims’ skin. (Shoot, that’s the storyline of “Hannibal” isn’t it? Well, I tried.)

Do “Adoptive Kids” sometimes grow up and do horrible thing? Yep. You know who else grows up and does horrible things? “Vaginal Kids.” So really, the warning should be more along these lines: “You’re going to be a parent huh? Good luck with that.”

11. She has probably done her research

Don’t assume she’s going into this because of a driving urge to be mistaken for Angelina Jolie. Unless she is also demanding everyone call her husband “Brad” it probably comes from some deeper place. Or you know, her husband’s name really IS Brad. Chances are she’s read books on adoptive parenting, has agonized for hours over which adoption agency to choose from. Made a decision. Then agonized some more. She’s thought about the ethical questions. And if you don’t think she has then maybe ask. “How did you pick your agency?” “What led you to X country?”

12. She looks brave on the outside, she’s brave on the inside too. But she’s also a mess

Which, I think is what mothering and loving is all about. Being a mess. Throwing your love out there and not knowing if you’re ever going to get it back. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. It feels like you can’t breathe and when you can it hurts to do it. And you don’t want to complain about that because you picked it. So you pick up the pieces of your heart and you keep going. You keep going because at the end of the day what you go through as an adoptive mother is nothing compared to what children go through when they live their life without family. And that’s what this journey is all about.

dear friends of waiting adoptive moms

{{picture of my son and I taken by the talented Melanie Pace}}

edited to add this note: When I hit publish this morning it didn’t occur to me that this post would spread so far beyond the small group of friends and family who read my blog. Beyond the group of women who’ve become my friends during this adoption journey and who helped me think of topics to add to this post. I’m honored that each one of you have come here and read my thoughts, and honored that you saw fit to share this post with your friends. For those of you who haven’t read posts before I’d like to offer links to a few that I believe will present a more complete picture of my thoughts on the adoption process.

Adoption is an imperfect answer to an impossible question. I happen to wish that all Babies could be raised by their first mothers & fathers, the people who brought them into this world, the people whose blood history they share. But we don’t live in a world where “shoulds” always happen. Life is messy and painful, life includes loss and heartache. And so adoption exists.

All throughout the process of adoption I tried to be careful about calling our life here “home” for Nat. Even on his birth announcement I put “together” instead of “home”. I’m not sure all the reasons for the hesitation. Certainly I thought it, I believed it, I wanted it. But I also knew it wasn’t. He wasn’t coming home, he was leaving home. Leaving home to come live in a strange place that yes, would eventually BE home. Sometimes I think I over think things.

I’m ashamed to admit this but way back when, shortly after we heard the first child we were matched with was dying, I wondered why our adoption journey had to be so hard. So painful and soul-rending. I wasn’t expecting a rose petal covered path but I was hoping that some almighty power would at least keep the thorny brambles cleared off of it. But here’s the thing: if there was any fairness in this world my children would never have needed me in the first place. And there is something quite horrific about the arrogance of believing that God would make this easy on me when it wasn’t easy for my children’s other parents.