We interrupt these morose thoughts to bring you some eye candy. Ice candy. Whatever. “Frozen” is his favorite movie. The songs mostly. Naturally. So his daddy and I stayed up the night before his big day and created a surprise for him. He loved it. Happiness.
Without being deliberate to think about it I’m fairly certain our holiday collection of books would feature the same white Santa with rosacea that is seemingly everywhere. But because my children are African-born and because their father and I are of European descent I choose to think about it. I want them to see their skin tone mirrored in the books we read, especially because they do not see it in their parents’ faces. Our holiday book collection is still small. Because […]
The last three Christmases we spent waiting. Waiting for a referral that was supposed to come and then came for a baby that didn’t live. Waiting for our oldest. Waiting for our youngest. Three holiday seasons filled with waiting. I often felt alone. I want you to know you’re not. There are other moms and dads wrapping presents for children that won’t be there to unwrap them. There are other parents curled up next to Christmas trees crying their eyes out. There […]
Nine months together. It seems like yesterday it was six. Time feels like it’s skipping and I can barely hold on to the moments, let alone the memories. Maybe it’s the time of year but everything feels like it’s in fast-forward and I want it to just slow down already. I know I’m alone in this sentiment, no one that has ever held a little one close has wished for time to stand still for just a few tiny minutes so you […]
There is a Christmas tree in the corner of my living room. It has white lights twinkling everywhere but the very bottom, waiting on the replacement strand I bought last night. Outside my window the valley has cleared of fog, the evergreen trees make it look like it’s Christmas everywhere. Behind me, on the sideboard , are two tiny pumpkins. And in the fridge there are what I’m calling “Thanksgiving Leftovers”, actually just pans I don’t feel like scrubbing yet. The holidays […]
This year there won’t be a picture frame on our Thanksgiving table of the family member who’s missing. This year there won’t be presents labeled for babies that aren’t ‘home’. This year every moment won’t be filled with dreams of “next year…” This year we’re together. I write that and I feel a chill go through me. It seems unreal. This time last year I held serious doubts that little Baby K would ever be coming home. I waited for news on […]
I keep having these flashes of awareness. Where suddenly I’m acutely present to the fact that I’m a mother. Of two little boys. Who I adore. I was the big sister, the auntie, the friend of mommy for so long that it seem unreal that now I hold the mother title. One of those flashes came while I sewed their capes to wear to the party at Daddy’s work. Sewing last minute of course. Tal sitting on my lap and Thane watching […]